Great pearly gates, waiting to judge, to arbitrate. Are you worthy? Are you ready?
I have been afraid of posting, of writing, of facebooking, twittering, connecting. Because once you do, there is a trail, a record of you not already being totally awesome. Of already being ready. Of already being worthy.
Of finding out that I never had the ability to be awesome.
Stepping back for a moment, as teacher, a mentor, you would probably say. How short sighted. How dumb. How could you know if you didn’t even try? How do you learn, to grow, to become the awesomeness you wish for if you do not go through the stumble and fall?
Are you just waiting to one day wake up and simply be the awesome you wish to be?
Are you too afraid to discover that you may not be awesome at all?
I have been sitting on an amazing idea that people encouraged me to quit my job for. Afraid that perhaps it is not as amazing as I and they think it is. I half-wish that I encounter more negativity so that I have something to overcome. I have had to wake up because my co-founders recently asked me what our timeline was so they could plan when to quit their jobs.
All I could think was: what have I done.
Am I a brash arrogant CEO to be who misleads people with inflated dreams and powers through situation fueled by self-serving pride, through an incipient belief that I can never be wrong?
Inside, I certainly do not feel that way. I feel a turmoil of doubt, fear, terror nestled in between the truth and the conclusion that I despise not trying as much as I do boredom and regardless of my mental mantra, I will never stop seeking to accomplish the goals the dreams that I have envisioned for myself. My cofounders trust me, my friends say they believe in me. Strangers tell me they see a bright future for me and my ideas and inside, I feel a wave of confusion. Why do they believe in me? Do they believe in me because I am a mythical beacon they simply want to believe. Or do they believe in me because what they say is true, that they see something in me. Something that can change the world.
Every kid wants to change the world. What makes me any different?
Sure my track record with accomplishments is vast and I have become known for attempting and succeeding at seemingly impossible things. People use both factoids as reasons for why I should believe in myself and should not complain about fears of failure. After all, I have already attained so much. I have already proved I can be successful, that I am inherently awesome.
Except to me it feels like they are telling me, I have no right to complain. That anything I say will sound like bragging, not a desperate attempt to ask for opinions on my sanity.
They tell me, I have no right to feel fear, to feel terror. And I am tempted, to bury my head. To go back to sleep. To just get another job, after all they are recruiting too, to say I am just not ready yet. Do not give me your hope, your belief, your dreams. Your trust.
If I just do not do anything, they will continue believing. If this is all fictional, if I am a fluke, an imaginary beacon not of my own design then to preserve the perception that I am worthy, the only reasonable move is to not play at all. The child who has achieved a high score on a game, the higher the score, the more tempting it is to stop while one is ahead, to stop playing.
It makes me want to disconnect. To sleep and hope that when I wake up, the arbiters of awesome will have judged me already worthy.