For the few (I only know of a few?) that read this blog of mine. I do want to express that I am hardly upset/depressed/some other negative emotional state all the time. Writing is just one of those things that I do when I am upset. So what I tend to write is sad/depressing/etc. If anything, that I am capable of writing them out, is usually a good thing. From experience, there is a level worse than angsty writing and that is internalized, debilitating angst kept to oneself.
I shall see what I can do about writing down some of the non-upset in-between moments. It is sad to look over past writing of mine and just see a plain of saddening thoughts. I do have one journal, at the start, I had decided that I would not allow any direct negativity to be written into it. But is that just pretending too hard? Pretending works though, to a possibly limiting degree. Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be. – Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
If I pretended to be Not-Myself, would then one day Not-Myself be Myself and this Myself then become Not-Myself?
Just thoughts, no worries. I have promised not to directly mess with myself anymore. Or should I say Myself.
Strange, the fog lifted and I could see the sky bridged by beautiful columns of clouds reaching across, and now it is back again. Misty edges blanking out the mountains, white-shading out trees in the not-so-distant.
Title. Sorry, my thoughts have become more sporadically tangential of late. Probably did not help that I got shocked to the head several times on Tuesday. Was careful yesterday to prevent a repeat experience. Getting shocked hurts. Like getting hit, hard, at a very small, precise location. Like getting shocked by static electricity, except imagine that times ten and the shock shooting into your brain. If you should ever desire to build an EEG or just ever hook up electrodes to a circuit with live current/+20 volts running through it, do not pull out any wire connecting the electrodes to your head/brain. You will get shocked. Every single time. Sadly, the only consistent characteristic of our circuit as of now still is that it can send electrical shocks to the brain. That is not the goal of my project, just for the record.
I have decided and shall keep reiterating to myself, but I will be writing a story over winter break. It shall be my own independent post-NaNo NaNo. DeNoWriMo? I will also start editing/releasing parts of my first (not-near-completed) NaNo novel from all those years ago. Partially in the hopes that it will further cement my resolve to continue working on it/finishing it. *grin* We shall see!
Here is the first… segment? It is extremely short for a chapter, but it comes before the first/next real chapter, so let us just call it the first chapter. Chapters can be short. Right?
From NaNo 2008: Departure
The mistaken taps of mice running was actually the rain falling, in bullets and pleats. Soft, sporadic interruptions in my not so quiet dreams. This living farce, I play today a man with a peacock’s tail, strutting for all to see, my long-nosed boasts. Tomorrow, I am demure, the doe-eyed youth, hair billowing like sails on an ocean. The day after, the day before, the next one coming, a thousands plays, a thousand farces. Who shall I play, who shall I be. Day after day, this dragging life fails to garner my own attention, until I am green with envy, filled to the brim with jealousy, of the little white mice running so energetically in an attic above my mind.