I suppose I can/should admit this.
I am not ok. I am not fine. Even now. I am writing this here, not especially for attention, but rather so that this will now be public (more public). So that it seems more corporeal, more real. Even as I write this now, I feel tendrils of doubt creep in. Questioning, am I just overthinking? Is this just being oversensitive? Am I just making this up?
I have been telling myself that it has been long enough, that I should be fine by now, that it should not be affecting me anymore. But I should also be able to handle everything I am doing right now… and it’s not quite happening. If anything my performance this semester is proof that I am not alright.
I know what I am capable of and I am lying to myself accepting what I am doing right now. I have been feeling more and more like myself again, but if every time I do feel like I am finally myself again then how many times has it been that I have not been quite myself again? How long until I am truly ‘myself’ again?
I believe I have told many people already, but about a month before the semester started last Fall, my family found out that my grandfather had lung cancer. Terminal cancer. I’m not really sure when things started deteriorating for me, last spring wasn’t without its share of crisis (MUN and otherwise). But this was different. I cracked last summer, the hairline cracks all ruptured. I should be fine by now, that’s what I tell myself. I wonder if I am just looking for an excuse for my poor performance. But if I were truthful with myself, I am not ok. And now I feel like I am over-exaggerating.
Since I am not going to post this on my wall, rather it will sit here, on the side, available for anyone who cares to see on the off chance that they happen to see it. Those of you whom I probably would want to read this the most probably will never notice this, you are all far too busy people, but I want to thank all of you, for being my friends and thus by default, some of the most amazing people to grace the world with your presence.
In particular, Kat, Steve, and Matt for always being no more than a call away, though you are several miles removed, and willing to listen to me ramble for hours if needed even when I feel I no longer make any coherent sense. Margaret, Azzy, Elena, Robert, and Chris for always being online and initiating chats and telling me to do things when I didn’t much feel like talking with anyone. Rebecca for being a good roomie. And everyone on the MUN team, in swing, Vocal Offerings, and CalSol for keeping me in the loop.
*sigh* I am planning on going to see a psychiatrist. I am going to go see a psychiatrist.
I actually wrote this awhile ago, but never posted it, but now is as a good a time as any I suppose. Really, I want to say thanks to everyone in my life. All of my friends. I forgot last year that I had friends that I could rely on. Everything fell apart and I just couldn’t bring myself to ask for help. I couldn’t admit the reality to myself much less talk about it to anyone. But this year, I have come to realize again that I am so lucky to have such caring and wonderful friends. So, thank you. And I’m sorry for not turning to you earlier.